{"id":558,"date":"2023-08-07T11:58:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-07T11:58:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chloejuliette.com\/?p=558"},"modified":"2023-08-07T15:14:31","modified_gmt":"2023-08-07T15:14:31","slug":"life-is-tough-but-so-am-i-an-insight-into-how-lived-experience-of-interpersonal-trauma-manifests-and-dissipates","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chloejuliette.com\/life-is-tough-but-so-am-i-an-insight-into-how-lived-experience-of-interpersonal-trauma-manifests-and-dissipates\/","title":{"rendered":"Life is tough, but so am I; an insight into how lived experience of interpersonal trauma manifests and dissipates"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Over this past year or so, I\u2019ve changed in a way that I can\u2019t get across in light conversation, and I\u2019m mindful that if I don\u2019t actively work on opening up, I could sink into an internal life that is entirely separate from the version of me that people interact with. I\u2019ve also realised I\u2019ve been knocking about for a while now, and there are younger people around who observe my actions, listen to my words, absorb my work, and lately, seek me out for advice. I have been led by the examples of those around me that I relate to, and trust. So, while some things I won\u2019t share here, others I won\u2019t hide. I want to be trustworthy and, having put so much value on doing this for others, I want to be seen. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So, I will try to explain what has happened &#8211; this may be of interest if you are:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"li1\"><span class=\"s1\">interested in the long term impacts of interpersonal trauma<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\"><span class=\"s1\">interested in involving people with lived experience in work relating to their experiences<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\"><span class=\"s1\">interested in me as a person and\/or a professional <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Most of what I\u2019ve done as a professional has been driven by a need to validate my existence through service to others, upholding the identity of a person that contributes to society and is overcoming, or utilising, their childhood trauma and disadvantages to do so. This started with my work in community arts, which I loved in many ways. It brought many beautiful people and moments into my life. My time spent gigging, doing sound tech, running events and acting as a community musician gave me a language to connect with new people wherever I go, tools to connect with myself, and plenty of transferable skills that I\u2019m still drawing on. I have zero regrets about dropping into research without the academic background, and having to backfill. Music and song saved my life, many times. And, my arts practice, engagement work and experience of running a small business has definitely given me an edge. So has having PTSD; a semi-permanent state of fight or flight can make you incredibly productive (with a high cost I am gradually paying off), and the self-knowledge it takes to manage trigger responses is a hard won but shiny prize. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\" style=\"text-align: left;\"><span class=\"s1\">Anyway, I wanted to do more. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">Put simply, the world wasn\u2019t right, and I wanted to make it right. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">Community arts put an &#8211; albeit lovely &#8211; individual-sized band-aid on a societal-sized problem. So I spent a few years freelancing on co-production projects; contributing to discussions on policy and practice re-form as someone that could engage with government by using my relative privilege as a former foster kid with a degree-level education. This freelance lifestyle lasted me through to my late 20s, and the flexibility in hours and type of work saw me through some pretty serious physical health problems without having to completely stop working for too long at a time. Throughout these years I had a few experiences which compounded my childhood experiences, and made me reluctant &#8211; at times, unable &#8211; to engage with others. But I pushed through, reading many books, attending a few short-courses in psycho-education and counselling, and doing lots of self-directed, trial and error, exposure therapy. In a way, unknown to me at the time, the work of engaging in discussion on social care policy was part of that exposure therapy. It helped me to understand my childhood traumas in context with the world they happened in.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In my late 20s, in response to one of those experiences that compounded a view of the world as just vile &#8211; to give myself purpose, a reason to keep living &#8211; I moved to London to start a research career, with a focus on policy and making the world better. I have quickly built a solid career as a researcher, working my absolute sodding\u00a0 socks off in three jobs and one long-term engagement project alongside hitting the books to backfill my theoretical knowledge. The first two were agency-based social research roles, with most of my clients being government and public services, and an occasional charity, academic institution or for-profit enterprise doing something interesting. Unsurprisingly, I quickly honed a specialism in qualitative research and public engagement, with a side focus on engaging seldom heard and marginalised groups &#8211; frankly, it\u2019s easier to design a process or create an atmosphere that works for the outsider when you are one. Alongside this, with my evenings and weekends, I did a two-year project with a group of care experienced young people, enabling them to create podcasts and mini-research projects. The third job, which I left about 4 months ago, focused purely on research to inform children\u2019s social care policy, and involved building a lot of team capacity and processes while delivering a large portfolio of challenging work. The place of work I helped to build no longer exists, following an unpleasantly paced merger and major shift in strategy and structure. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s very difficult to navigate writing about this. On the one hand I\u2019d like to call out some institutional practices and individual behaviours that I\u2019ve observed over the years, particularly regarding the responsibilities given to staff members with lived experience (especially those managing others with lived experience while working on related topics), alongside a failure of those with more privilege to really prioritise understanding (not just applauding) the work we do. On the other hand, I a) know many people who are doing what they believe to be the right thing, as best they can in a given institution, and I don\u2019t enjoy hurting them or navigating all too human defences, and b) tire of explaining that managing emotional labour is one aspect of utilising lived experience at work, alongside many positive aspects. The fact that it comes with challenges does not mean that people shouldn\u2019t be doing it. This blog isn\u2019t about addressing these issues, so I\u2019m not going to unpack it all now, but I am aware of the irony of focusing largely on myself rather than the environments that brought me to this point, and am reflecting on many things (including the extent to which people can influence their workplace culture from different levels of seniority, and whether a big institution such as government could be considered more than the sum of its parts when it comes to decision-making). <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Abuse of power by state-appointed carers, and having this validated by a bigger power i.e. my woefully misinformed corporate parent, is a key theme in the story of my childhood. Working at a government funded research centre, focusing on research to inform policy in children\u2019s social care, was the epitome of bringing my personal and professional experience together in my mission to make things better. It was a tough year, but I learned a lot and am deeply proud of everything I and the qual crew pulled off given some far-from-ideal circumstances. Making major and hard-won contributions to creating a culture in which I and others like me could operate safely while producing useful outputs, then watching it be dismantled in a merger as an entirely new organisation and strategic direction was created, was nothing short of devastating. But it also had some positive and unexpected outcomes.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Outside of my professional life, I\u2019ve spent many years \u2018doing the work\u2019 of processing my childhood experiences and dealing with the feelings attached to them. Over the past year or two, I have accessed repressed memories that I\u2019ve been working towards for a very long time. This has also been devastating. Some of the physical symptoms have been loud, alarming, and difficult to live with day-to-day, but I\u2019m made of tough stuff and I fair alright overall. These two trajectories have culminated in realising that I\u2019ve spent my whole adult life coping by living inside a story about overcoming trauma and making the world better. I\u2019ve made a sufficient amount of progress that I\u2019m now grieving for what is and what never was, and capable of living outside of that story &#8211; my new story says I am always learning how best to live with my more unpleasant experiences, making the most of my many privileges and positive experiences, and my existence is justified simply by being. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Thankfully, I still find our species utterly fascinating &#8211; I\u2019m sure there is a part of me that will always be like \u201cWHAT ARE WE ALL DOING WHY ARE WE SO WEIRD\u201d and over time that part of me has come to ask those questions in lower case more often &#8211; so I\u2019m quite content being a researcher. I\u2019ve also come to realise some smaller things about myself, like I\u2019m particularly interested in unpacking the sort of complexity that only lives in large-scale societal problems, and I\u2019m reliant on clear and consistent procedures at work as this relieves some burden in navigating the world as a neurodivergent person. So, I\u2019m returning to social research, though not leaving market research behind entirely. With a bit of exposure, I&#8217;ve come to better understand the dual role of the marketplace and governance in creating and sustaining a society. Crucially, for the first time, I am making real choices without the weight of upholding a hero&#8217;s journey narrative. I am a whole and actual person, beyond a series of fictional characters living in a high-stakes storyline, though I\u2019m very grateful to those characters for creating a life I can live in, and to the little smart person inside me who drove the ship to get us here while protecting herself. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I don\u2019t know if this will resonate or how this is going to land &#8211; I often find people write odd stories about me in their heads, and no judgment; people can only understand what\u2019s in-front of them based on their own experiences, I\u2019m a bit odd, and our society is riddled with all kinds of biases. So I hope you\u2019re hearing a balanced tale of challenges and joy, rather than lazily writing a sob story, or one of hero worship &#8211; but I\u2019m rolling the dice, what\u2019s this life if we\u2019re not brave enough to live it?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Over this past year or so, I\u2019ve changed in a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":346,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Life is tough, but so am I; an insight into how lived experience of interpersonal trauma manifests and dissipates - Chloe Juliette<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/chloejuliette.com\/life-is-tough-but-so-am-i-an-insight-into-how-lived-experience-of-interpersonal-trauma-manifests-and-dissipates\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Life is tough, but so am I; 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